The Grown Diaries

My wife, Denyse, loves pickles. Whether a whole pickle at the deli or these ‘hamburger dill chips’ that she likes to line her hot dog buns with, she’s a definite pickle fiend.

Me, not so much.

Actually: me, no way, no how.

Apart from today, I’m not sure I know of any occasion in my life that I ate a pickle on purpose. I have eaten many accidentally — usually on hamburgers at fast-food places that forgot or ignored my request for ‘no pickles, no tomatoes.’ And unlike tomatoes slices, the little pickle chips hide easily under cheese or lettuce or sauce. Like vinegary landmines, that sickening moment of pickle-taste exploding in the mouth… ewwww!

Meet my nemesis:

People eat these. On purpose.

I ate these today.

What’s my problem with the lowly pickle? Texture, mostly, but also taste. Very, very tart. But much as I described in a previous post regarding tomatoes, I am going to need to deconstruct the pickle experience a bit.

First off, I love vinegary things. Salt and vinegar potato chips/crisps. Malt vinegar on fish. Filipino chicken adobo suffused with vinegar. I could eat these items every day.

Cucumbers, however… no. A day without cucumbers is a good day. ;) Don’t know if that would have anything to do with this, especially — Denyse doesn’t like cucumbers, either.

As she pointed out when I mentioned I was going to try these, the hamburger dill pickle should not be held representative of pickle-kind. Also, as we discussed afterwards, these are probably best eaten on something.

Like a hamburger.

Oh, the humanity.

But, back to today’s taste test. As I began, I noticed that I was rushing through the chewing process, trying to get it over with. So I deliberately slowed down, which took effort — the texture on the tongue set off the usual negative reaction. Slimy, crisp-but-gushy. Seeds. Blech.

However, I did eat all three on the plate. I tried to sit with the taste, sort of analyzing it while I chewed, resisting the urge to drink my water while I experienced the aftertaste. And that was that.

Sometimes, I think it is hard in this confrontation process to separate out what I’m doing with what’s actually happening, i.e. ‘I’m eating a freaking pickle! I hate pickles!’ versus ‘OK, this is an interesting, full-bodied taste that’s familiar yet new.’ For some reason, I am reminded of that scene in the Abyss where Ed Harris is about to dive into the depths and he’s in that sketchy moment of trying to adjust to breathing fluid instead of air.

Of course when you’re eating a hamburger dill pickle chip, you aren’t really eating just a slice of pickled cucumber:

Yikes.

But never mind that for now. Beginning the pickle journey with a single step, we find a measure of success in eating three small samples, however laden with numbered ingredients. Maybe my next time confronting these, it will be at a fast-food place, and I’ll keep quiet about leaving stuff off my hamburger. Maybe I’ll eat it with everything still on it.

On purpose.